It is crazy to think that one person in this world could make you second guess who you really are and what you stand for.
This is what happened to me, when I was a young forming mind who was already romantically vulnerable. A young innocent girl who believed love is what you see in those hallmark movies. Okay, not really, but I thought people had decency for other human beings.
You see, I always try to have the purest intentions when it comes to how I treat someone. I believe in sending love in order to receive it.
Have I royally messed up or was cruel for no reason? Ooohh yes. Was I hiding from something inside? Probably. Did I begin to realize this and treat others with respect? Yes!!
Why did it take an insanely controlling, emotionally and mentally abusive relationship to make me realize I didn’t deserve a relationship like that? Why did I keep fighting and trying to problem solve to improve how he spoke to me or how we communicated?
Why didn’t I know all along that it wasn’t normal for someone to get mad at you for doing small things in life, like taking a modest selfie with your hair curled for once. Why was I being tortured for finally feeling pretty after months of rude comments about how I wasn’t enough?
Even though I fought back and spoke my truth when I was obviously bullied by this high school boyfriend of mine, I felt like I just wanted to be accepted by him.
He would tell me, “ew, your face has gotten really bad.”
“Yikes, you’ve put on some weight.”
“I saw you look at him. You’re ridiculous.”
“How could you be friends with a slut like that?”
“You’re not worth it.”
Just to turn around and beg for my attention or try and build me up into thinking I was the most incredible woman.
I feel like I couldn’t breathe. I felt like I couldn’t be myself. I really didn’t even know who I was anymore. I was losing passion for life.
I tried to get out of this relationship, y’all.
I really tried.
He would continue to show up to my house, manipulating his way back in. Not respecting that I told him to go.
I was too embarrassed to get my parent’s involved to make him leave.
He would put on a face and act so joyful that he was fooling my parents into thinking what a great guy he was.
He even hacked back into my Facebook to change our relationship status back to being in one while I was at work and was at my house when I got home.
I had enough when I went to college that I finally broke it off for good, when I heard he was living with a woman the age of his mom.
Would he keep showing up, yes. Calling me 40+ times. Yes. Trying all social media outlets, yes.
Did I end up blocking his number and all accounts just for him to get other social media accounts and find me again? YES.
Did I look into getting a restraining order, you bet.
It has taken years for me to overcome the mental abuse from this relationship and to discuss what I really am worth.
I VOWED to myself, that I would never allow someone to treat me with such disrespect.
This made it challenging for the next few boyfriends because if you didn’t know, I am as hardheaded as they come.
I began to fight for what I thought a relationship was or how they should run.
Although, I don’t have all the answers to a perfect relationship, I have learned what helps me operate best.
I have gained the courage to know that if someone can’t step up to understand me and what helps me shine, then we are simply not meant.
This idea has ricocheted into all forms of relationships in my life.
I’ve slowly learned that I am beautiful on the outside and more importantly on the inside.
I will never let someone make me second guess myself or what I know resonates with my soul.
I am supported. I am whole.
It took me being completely broken down before discovering that I am worth honesty, integrity and respect.
I don’t want that for you. I want you to be FEARLESS in self worth to never experience the deep emotional trauma to crack open the window of self love.
After all,
“We are all broken. That is how the light gets in.”
– Ernest Hemmingway
